Shortly after waking up yesterday morning I was stretching in our bathroom while the little guy was snuggled up in our bed watching a show on TV.  All of the sudden I felt a shooting pain through my neck and back and could barely catch my breath. I also could not get out of the position I was in…standing, with one arm folded behind my head with the other pulling on the elbow…you know the stretch.  Once I caught my breath I felt nauseated, was in pretty bad pain, and went to lay down on my bed.

I called my husband, who is traveling for work, to tell him what had happened.  Really, I just wanted to vent, knowing there would be nothing he could do to help.  He offered to call our neighbor, but I said no.  We’ve lived in our house for almost 3 years and our neighbor watched the little guy when baby girl decided to come almost 3 weeks early, but I felt silly asking her to come over because I have a knot in my back!

All I really wanted to do was call my mom and have her come over to help out! The problem is, she lives in Colorado.  She did not move away, WE did…before we had kids.

I started to think about it this morning, though.  Would it really be any different if we lived in Colorado or New York?  My mom works 3 days a week.  And when she is not at her job she takes care of my sisters little girl, does her own errands and housework, and probably wants some time to herself.  So, yesterday was a Wednesday.  She was at work.  Just like my husband, she wouldn’t have been able to do anything to help.  Same goes for my mother-in-law in New York.  Although she is retired, it does not mean she has nothing to do!  She helps out with her daughters kids, takes weekly trips to Buffalo, and volunteers her time with other interests.

I’m not saying that either one of them wouldn’t be willing to help out if and when I needed them.  I’m just saying that life is busy for everybody and living near family does not guarantee that I would have help if I hurt my back. It really doesn’t matter where I live. As a stay at home mom my job has to get done. I can’t just call in a substitute, call in sick, or take a mental health day. I don’t get paid vacation…or even unpaid vacation.  Every day is a work day.  24/7.

Right about now, I would do anything for a day off…

Lately, it seems like things are very out of control in my life. A very busy 3 year old and a 1 year old who wants to keep up with her big brother keep this momma very busy.  My head is always spinning with what needs to get done, what I would like to get done, and what I have forgotten to get done.  Right when I feel like I have it all under control something happens (like a little guy getting sick, or a baby girl who is teething) and I just fall apart.

I have always been independent.

I am a control freak.

I don’t like to ask for help.

I hate the feeling of not being able to handle everything by myself.

Sometimes I feel all alone.

And, yet, I know I am not alone.

At any rate, i’m moving forward.  And, just like my baby girl who recently started walking, I am taking baby steps.