Tag: dreams

vulnerable

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Don’t let the craftiness and thrifting goodness fool you.

I’m feeling completely vulnerable right now.

I’m just good at keeping appearances up.

I’ve been sick for three weeks. It started with a cold that turned into a sinus infection that is now a deep cough that I just can’t shake.I’ve been sick more than I can remember.Actually, the last time I remember getting sick this frequently was when I was a pre-teen. I had appendicitis, tonsillitis, and mono within just a couple years of each other. In the last year, I’ve had walking pneumonia, shingles, and this darn sinus infection.

I’m exhausted.

And, I’m vulnerable.

I feel like I am being attacked by my kids. Daily.

One won’t go to bed. Or, stay in bed. Or, obey.

One won’t go pee on the potty, Or, wear the clothes I pick for her. Or, let anybody but Mommy do anything.

I love my kids more than anything in the world, but being their mommy right now is very hard.

I get angry and resentful. I snap or use a not so nice tone of voice.

And, then I end up saying, “I’m sorry.”

I wish I didn’t have to say, “I’m sorry.”

I wish I just wouldn’t snap.

I wish I just wouldn’t us a not so nice tone of voice.

I feel like I am failing at my job.

So, I craft.

I thrift.

I do projects around the house.

Because I’m good at it. And, doing something I am good at makes me feel less vulnerable.

I get a rush of adrenaline when I am doing it.

It feeds my soul.

But, the laundry doesn’t get done.

And, the dishes are in the sink.

And, phone calls for doctors appointments don’t get made.

And, there’s nothing ready for dinner.

And, I haven’t worked out in months.

And, then there’s my husband, who I also love more than anything in the world. He is so good to me and the kids and works his butt off to provide for us. He is an amazing father and husband.

He travels for work almost every week which leaves me as a single parent on the average of 2-4 nights a week. The kids and I have our routine down and it has gotten a lot easier as they have gotten older.

However, I’m so exhausted from battling my kids, trying to be a good mom, and trying to feed my own soul, that I have NO energy left for my husband when he is home.

I get angry and resentful. I don’t feel like being intimate. I snap or use a not so nice tone of voice.

And, then I end up saying, “I’m sorry.”

I wish I didn’t have to say, “I’m sorry.”

I wish I just wouldn’t snap.

I wish I just had the desire and energy to be intimate..

I wish I just wouldn’t us a not so nice tone of voice.

I feel like I am being judged for not being a good enough wife. Partner. Mother.

And, I feel like I am failing at my job.

My job right now is to be a mother and a wife.

And, I feel like I am failing at both.

So, I craft.

And, I go thrifting.

Because it is what I am good at.

It’s what I get positive feedback for.

People say…

  • You find the greatest stuff.
  • You are so creative.
  • You are amazing.
  • How do you have time for all of this?

The fact of the matter is…I’m not sure I do.

If I spend my time doing what makes me feel good it seems that I fail at my job.

SEEMS.

I told you. I am feeling vulnerable.

Maybe I’m not failing.

Maybe it just SEEMS that way.

FEELS that way.

No matter what. It hurts.

It’s hard.

I want to be the best I can be at my job.

I really just want to be a good mom and wife.

About being a mother, I want to hear…YOU ARE AMAZING.

About being a wife, I want to hear…YOU ARE AMAZING.

{And, back to that dream I had the other night…}

It wasn’t about the bloggers at all.

It was about my family.

When I read other blogs written by other moms and wives…I know I am not alone.

I also know my feelings of vulnerability will be acknowledged by other moms and wives who read my blog.

I just feel like I am failing with my family.

Is it really possible to be a good mom and wife and still do the other things I am good at?

The things that feed my soul.

Do I really have time to do it all?

home is…don’t let appearances fool you.

the big fish

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So, there’s probably more interesting things to write about, but I’m going to tell you about the dream I had last night.

I was at McDonalds going through the drive through to get a Coke when I spotted two of my favorite bloggers sitting inside with their kids.

All of the sudden, I was inside introducing myself to them.

They invited me back to one of their houses where their kids were playing together happily, their husbands were drinking beer, and the bloggers were chatting, laughing, and drinking wine together.

I wanted to fit in so badly.

They told me to call my husband and kids and tell them to come over.

I kept calling.

I texted.

There was no reply.

I sat in the corner, observing.

Feeling so out of my element and wanting so badly to be a part of their fun, but my family wouldn’t join me and I didn’t fit in.

I don’t remember how it ended.

I don’t remember if it just stopped, if I left, if my family ever showed up, or if I sucked it up and joined the party without my family.

All I know is that I woke up this morning with the vivid memory of this dream.

It could be easy to read into.

I’m a very small fish in this big sea of blogging.

Maybe, as much as I just want to keep my little old blog small and just here for my family, friends, and the few of you that chose to read for whatever reason you do, I still feel like I want it to be more.

Maybe, I want to swim with the big fish.

Maybe, it meant nothing.

Maybe, it meant I read too many blogs.

Who knows…it was just a dream.

home is…nothing wrong with dreaming.