We are now a month in to a new year. There are some who make resolutions…are you sticking with them? I don’t actually make resolutions, but I do set goals. Of course, a general goal is to become a better person. Inside of that general goal are smaller ones…being a better wife, mom, sister, daughter, friend. I am constantly questioning and evaluating how good I am at any of the roles that I play. I never really feel that I am doing a good job at any of them. I’m not looking for sympathy…it’s just how I feel. Not sure where this comes from, but it’s just how I feel.
Anyway, yesterday I read this blog post and it hit home.
Over the years I was hurt by friends that I thought were my BFF’s. Eventually, I think I just decided that it was better to not get too close to my friends. Not to mention, before high school my parents almost got divorced/separated/whatever, but decided to stay together. Needless to say, there was a lot of turmoil at home, but nothing that I felt that I could share with a friend…at least nothing I thought they would be able to understand. So, I think I stayed distant for that reason.
I played sports, got good grades, went to parties, had boyfriends, and always had girl friends, but never a BFF. Why? I don’t know. (Maybe part of it was because I always had my sister as a BFF since we were just a year apart in school)
What I do know is that I wasn’t perfect. I made mistakes, but I didn’t deserve what happened to me halfway through my senior year of high school. The blog I read yesterday put it perfectly. In some ways I feel that I was “Heathered”, too.
I actually watched part of the movie Mean Girls 2 the other night on ABC Family and it made me sad. Girls are mean. And, it’s not true…they aren’t just being mean because they are jealous (what my parents used to tell me)…they are just MEAN!
It is almost 20 years later, and I still feel like a bad person. I made a mistake, but they made it worse. I cried everyday at school. I couldn’t eat in the cafeteria that I ate in for 3-1/2 years. I ate lunch alone. Stayed home from parties that I used to be able to go to. My sister was my lookout and only confidante. Eventually, I found new people to hang out with, but come on, this was my senior year in high school. It was miserable.
I hope I can teach my daughter to not be a mean girl and protect her from those who are. I need to feel good about myself so I can teach my daughter to be a strong girl and grow up to be a strong woman who believes in herself no matter what other people think about her or do to her. I need to find something within myself that makes me feel good about being a friend. I need to believe that I can believe in myself…as a wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, and any other role I play in this life.
That’s all I have for today.
home is…believing that you can believe in yourself.