{pieces of me} october 2008

October 25, 2012Leave a comment

If you have read a couple of my posts this month (yesterday’s and this one) you know I care a lot about Breast Cancer Awareness month.

Did you also know that it is Infant and Pregnancy Loss month?

If you’ve been around my blog for a while (or know me personally) you may know that I had my first miscarriage in 2003…one month after my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.

What I haven’t written about is the second miscarriage I had in October 2008.

Ironically, Infant and Pregnancy Loss month.

We had been in Maui.

I was 13 weeks pregnant.

We flew direct from Maui on a red-eye to Colorado to spend a weekend at The Broadmoor.

Both were reward trips that Ryan had earned at work.

We dropped Reece off at my parents house in Genesee and drove down to Colorado Springs.

I was hanging in there, but feeling a little off.

And, then I started bleeding.

We had to leave The Broadmoor early.

We stopped at an Urgent Care on the way to my parents house, but they couldn’t help me.

Honestly, after that I can’t remember exactly what order things happened in, but I do know that we went to the ER where they confirmed that there was no longer a heartbeat. For some reason, we went back to my parents house…maybe to wait until the next day for a D&C?!

I was in a lot of pain and bleeding, so we went back that night.

I had gone through a miscarriage at home before.

I couldn’t fly on a plane to go home to Portland in my condition.

On Saturday, October 25th, 2008 we lost our second baby.

I’m sharing this with you because I think we all need to share our struggles. Our hard times.

I’ve had some. I continue to have some. And, I will have some in the future.

It is Infant and Pregnancy Loss month.

If you have lost a pregnancy, I have been there with you.

home is…sharing pieces of me.

a good witch or a bad witch?

October 23, 20122 Comments

home is…playing.

one foot in front of the other

October 16, 20123 Comments

I was feeling a little out of sorts this morning.

I’ve been itching to start my exercise routine up once again.

I want to be able to run 4-6 miles three times a week.

My plan was to get started this week, but I was frustrated with rain (I don’t run in the rain) and sick kids (which means no gym childcare).

Then the sun came out this morning.

I hit the pavement with Lorelai and the BOB.

Fresh air.

Blue sky.

Quiet.

I needed it.

I walked for over an hour.

I took occasional photos of the beautiful fall colors.

I let my mind go blank and just focused on what was in front of me.

It’s been months since I have exercised regularly.

Oh, who am I kidding?

It’s been months since I have exercised. Period.

I’m feeling it.

In my mood.

In my body.

I’m not going to go into why I stopped, but I know I want to get started again.

It felt good to put one foot in front of the other.

I am hoping we get another dry day tomorrow so I can do it again.

It felt fabulous.

So, I’m going to have to find a way to fit it all in.

All the things that make me feel good.

Exercise.

Thrifting.

Creating.

They make me a better person.

A better wife.

A better mom.

A better friend.

A better ME.

home is…hitting the pavement.

vulnerable

September 21, 201211 Comments

Don’t let the craftiness and thrifting goodness fool you.

I’m feeling completely vulnerable right now.

I’m just good at keeping appearances up.

I’ve been sick for three weeks. It started with a cold that turned into a sinus infection that is now a deep cough that I just can’t shake.I’ve been sick more than I can remember.Actually, the last time I remember getting sick this frequently was when I was a pre-teen. I had appendicitis, tonsillitis, and mono within just a couple years of each other. In the last year, I’ve had walking pneumonia, shingles, and this darn sinus infection.

I’m exhausted.

And, I’m vulnerable.

I feel like I am being attacked by my kids. Daily.

One won’t go to bed. Or, stay in bed. Or, obey.

One won’t go pee on the potty, Or, wear the clothes I pick for her. Or, let anybody but Mommy do anything.

I love my kids more than anything in the world, but being their mommy right now is very hard.

I get angry and resentful. I snap or use a not so nice tone of voice.

And, then I end up saying, “I’m sorry.”

I wish I didn’t have to say, “I’m sorry.”

I wish I just wouldn’t snap.

I wish I just wouldn’t us a not so nice tone of voice.

I feel like I am failing at my job.

So, I craft.

I thrift.

I do projects around the house.

Because I’m good at it. And, doing something I am good at makes me feel less vulnerable.

I get a rush of adrenaline when I am doing it.

It feeds my soul.

But, the laundry doesn’t get done.

And, the dishes are in the sink.

And, phone calls for doctors appointments don’t get made.

And, there’s nothing ready for dinner.

And, I haven’t worked out in months.

And, then there’s my husband, who I also love more than anything in the world. He is so good to me and the kids and works his butt off to provide for us. He is an amazing father and husband.

He travels for work almost every week which leaves me as a single parent on the average of 2-4 nights a week. The kids and I have our routine down and it has gotten a lot easier as they have gotten older.

However, I’m so exhausted from battling my kids, trying to be a good mom, and trying to feed my own soul, that I have NO energy left for my husband when he is home.

I get angry and resentful. I don’t feel like being intimate. I snap or use a not so nice tone of voice.

And, then I end up saying, “I’m sorry.”

I wish I didn’t have to say, “I’m sorry.”

I wish I just wouldn’t snap.

I wish I just had the desire and energy to be intimate..

I wish I just wouldn’t us a not so nice tone of voice.

I feel like I am being judged for not being a good enough wife. Partner. Mother.

And, I feel like I am failing at my job.

My job right now is to be a mother and a wife.

And, I feel like I am failing at both.

So, I craft.

And, I go thrifting.

Because it is what I am good at.

It’s what I get positive feedback for.

People say…

You find the greatest stuff.
You are so creative.
You are amazing.
How do you have time for all of this?

The fact of the matter is…I’m not sure I do.

If I spend my time doing what makes me feel good it seems that I fail at my job.

SEEMS.

I told you. I am feeling vulnerable.

Maybe I’m not failing.

Maybe it just SEEMS that way.

FEELS that way.

No matter what. It hurts.

It’s hard.

I want to be the best I can be at my job.

I really just want to be a good mom and wife.

About being a mother, I want to hear…YOU ARE AMAZING.

About being a wife, I want to hear…YOU ARE AMAZING.

{And, back to that dream I had the other night…}

It wasn’t about the bloggers at all.

It was about my family.

When I read other blogs written by other moms and wives…I know I am not alone.

I also know my feelings of vulnerability will be acknowledged by other moms and wives who read my blog.

I just feel like I am failing with my family.

Is it really possible to be a good mom and wife and still do the other things I am good at?

The things that feed my soul.

Do I really have time to do it all?

home is…don’t let appearances fool you.

{milestones} baby girl is three

September 14, 20124 Comments

Don’t tell her I called her “baby girl”.

She won’t be happy.

We celebrated Lorelai’s third birthday last weekend with some good friends.

Being pregnant with her still feels like yesterday…

I sent the above photo to Ryan as a text message when he was at the National Sales meeting for his company. I think he was surprised.

It was quite a surprise when she wanted to come 2 weeks before my scheduled c-section (3 weeks before her due date). I had a plan in place, but apparently she had a plan of her own.

I’m just glad that Ryan made it home from Alaska a few days earlier.

Man, what a mess I would have been if he hadn’t been here…and our awesome neighbors who took Reece for the day.

She’s still my baby.

She always will be.

She’s always done things the way SHE wants to do them.

She only wants to wear “ballerine’s” (dresses).

They can’t be long sleeved.

They can’t have buttons.

They can’t have anything that needs to be tied.

She likes to wear dancing shoes…with flowers or sparkles on them.

She also only wants to wear nighties…no pj pants and tops.

She loves dolls, dress up, and stuffed animals.

She wants her nails to always have polish on them.

She also loves to get dirty in the backyard with her brother.

And, she is learning to hold her own with him.

If she can’t push or hit, she can scream the loudest.

She still won’t let me put a ponytail in her hair.

She wants me to take my ponytail out every night when I put her to bed.

She’s definitely a momma’s girl, but has a soft spot for her boys.

She can be overly emotional.

She likes to sleep.

She likes to just “hang out”.

She likes to dance and sing.

She likes to play ballerina and sing songs to make me happy.

One she has named The Sunflower Song goes something like this, “I’m fishing with a sunflower. I’m fishing with a sunflower. I’m fishing with a sunflower…”

She doesn’t want to miss out on what they boys are doing…whether it’s fishing, playing football, or otherwise…but is more of a spectator than an active participant.

She is a “happy, sunshine girl”…that is what she called herself this morning.

She is my baby girl…even if she is three.

home is…celebrating three years with baby girl.

school days

September 10, 20123 Comments

It’s official.

I now have a kindergartner…

…and a preschooler.

I have always loved the beginning of a new school year and I hope to get my kids excited about school each year instead of dreading it.

Last night I set out their clothes, made Reece’s lunch, and got them to bed early.

Today, I set my alarm for 5:30, made a pot of coffee (can you believe all we had in the house was decaf?!), fed the dogs and cat, and made the kids hot chocolate and breakfast.

Then, I headed upstairs to wake my sleepy heads.

Reece was sound asleep in his bed (bedtime was a breeze last night AND he slept in his bed all night) when I slipped into his room an quietly opened the shades on his window. I sat down next to him and put my hand on his back. He rubbed his eyes, stretched, and sat up.

I quietly said, “iIt’s time to get up. You’re a kindergartner today.”

We quietly walked into Lorelai’s room, opened her shades, and sat down on her bed. She sat up quickly, and I reminded her that it was the first day of school.

We went downstairs where the promise of a show and hot chocolate awaited.

Reece ate two scrambled eggs.

Lorelai ate a banana.

Reece listened and obeyed all morning.

Lorelai threw fits about breakfast, her clothes (no skirts, long sleeves, buttons, or ties), and her shoes.

Finally, I got Lorelai dressed and we headed out back for some photos…

They are both attending school at the same school Reece has been at the last two years. The kindergarten is state accredited, but private. Reece has 13 students in his class. Half of them were in his pre-K class last year. It’s awesome to see familiar faces.

It made the morning go smoothly.

One of the first faces he saw was his buddy James who has been in his class since he was 3.

We dropped Reece off at the kindergarten class.

No tears.

I was so proud of the little guy.

{Don’t let this photo fool you, he’s playing it cool}

I took Lorelai to her class, which is right next door.

She wanted me to stay.

I showed Reece to her in the classroom next door (through an adjoining door), handed her off to her teacher and left.

It’s easiest to do it that way.

{And, don’t let this photo fool you, this was way before we got to her class}

Now, you may wonder what I did with my 2 hours of free time…I slept.

I have been battling a cold for the last 10 days and I think it may have turned into a sinus infection.

Yeah, exciting first day of freedom, but I’ve got to get healthy!

When I went to pick Lorelai up they were walking from the gym back to the classroom. She was second in line and doing fine! She saw me and waved, but stayed in line with her class.

We were reunited and she wanted to show me some special things in her classroom.

We went home, had lunch and went back to pick up her brother (in the future, she will probably stay for lunch so I am not driving back and forth all morning).

He had a wonderful day and I think kindergarten is going to be awesome for him.

On the way to school I asked him what he wanted to learn at school today and he said he wants to learn to read!

home is…the beginning of a new school year.

a kitchen full of friends

September 7, 20121 Comment

This morning I hosted our weekly Friday playgroup.

It was our first playgroup since all of our oldest (except for Reece…he starts on Monday) started Kindergarten.

There were only six mommies this morning, but it still felt so nice to have my friends in my house talking, laughing, and supporting (there may have even been a few tears).

There were stories of hectic first mornings, continued struggles after a couple of days, and some super scary bus stories (that make me glad my little ones may not be able to ride a bus until middle school).

In the future, I am sure there will be stories of success, happiness, and new skills learned…but this was the first week.

We’ve had to change our timing to accommodate new school schedules, and are thinking of adding in a monthly Friday Afternoon Happy Hour so the older kids (and husbands) can join us!

Our playgroup is evolving, as it has ever since we met each other 5 years ago sitting on the floor of a conference room in a building across the street from where all of our babies were born in the summer of 2007.

And, it is as much for us, as mommies, as it is for our kids.

Maybe, even more.

photos from {m}iphone

*photos from {m}iphone were taken using the Instagram app and put together in a collage using Picasa

home is…a kitchen full of friends.

bedtime

September 2, 20127 Comments

Just fair warning…this is kind of a rambling post, but I just have to hit publish ’cause I’m too tired to think about it anymore…

it’s killing me.
not really, but…
i put the kids to bed by myself on average 3 nights out of the week.
we have a routine.
bath (every other night)
read books in lorelai’s room
take Reece to his room and he can read while I settle lorelai
lorelai easily snuggles me, and let’s me leave to get Reece to bed on the promise that I will come back and snuggle her.
then comes the hard part…
getting Reece to settle down
its always been a battle to get him to settle to sleep.
although he slept through the night (8 hours) at 8 weeks old, he was always difficult to settle to sleep. we would literally bounce on a balance ball for hours to settle him…or just let him cry.
when we transitioned him to his big boy bed he was not even two.
we wanted him in his bed before lorelai was born.
we (i) didn’t want to cribs.
now, in hindsight, I feel like we should have kept him in a crib longer.
from the time we put him in a bed that he can get out of bedtime has been a nightmare.
we’ve tried baby gates, locking the door, reward charts, bedtime rules, bedtime pass, etc. etc.
I remember when lorelai was a baby and Reece kept getting out of bed. I tried the super nanny technique. night after night I would put him back in bed “without emotion” over 50 times. I think a couple of nights it was over 100 times.
we have had some decent stretches where some techniques work…then something happens to stir it up…travel, visitors, sickness, or some kind of change in routine.
and, when Ryan is home. forget about it. he plays us off eachother.
he has always thrived off of routine and this summer we have had NONE.
it’s been awesome, but also not so awesome.
most nights, I spend from 8-10 trying to get him to sleep.
he eventually falls asleep if I snuggle him in his bed or if he can come snuggle in mine.
and, don’t even get me started on the coming into mommy and poppas bed in the middle of the night!
he started doing that about 9 months ago..maybe even longer.
I used to put him back in his bed, but night after night of doing that exhausted me…and I got sick…over and over again.

****

I wrote all of that 2 nights ago after being home with the kids for three nights alone. The first night Reece went to bed like a champ. I was so happy, but I was also sick and went right to bed after him.

The second night I just gave in and let him sleep with me in my bed…he finally fell asleep around 10.

The third night we battled it out. I didn’t want to give in, but I didn’t want to lock his door or get angry…I actually HATE (and I don’t like the word hate) locking his door, but there were some times where it had to be done. He finally gave in and fell asleep on his own after I helped to remind him that he was brave and his room is the same fun, safe room he likes to play in during the day.

Last night, Ryan was home. We split bedtime duties like we always do (I rarely get a full on break from bedtime duties because Lorelai doesn’t want anybody but mommy putting her to bed). Reece played us against each other. We’re all sick, and I finally gave in and had him come into bed with me.

So, I’m not really sure what to do next.

I would love to have at least an hour after 8 pm to have some time for myself (when Ryan is gone) and time with Ryan when he is here. I go to bed early because I NEED my sleep…or I get sick. So, staying up later to get MY time in is not an option…especially with earlier mornings starting next week with school everyday.

I am hoping a regular daily routine will wear him out enough so he will just be exhausted.

Just kind of venting…and asking for help.

I’m tired, sick, and cranky…and secretly wishing my kids started school this week like everybody else!

home is…sometimes not knowing the right answer.